One Year. Memories. Testament of scars.

Aaron with journalMay you bear with me on this – the one year mark of memorial – as it is not just a bullet point thought.

First a glimpse into the past that helps to understand and give context to the present.

Hazy memories at best, that bring up bits and pieces like you see in the movies. Fast clips of glimpses flashing by. The person shakes their head hoping for more clarity to better understand. No instant replays for everyday life.

A next best thing is memories documented in writing. Sometime after our son, Aaron, had been diagnosed with cancer at age 5, (1990) I began keeping a journal. Initially, to help document the many ways and times the Lord provided – whatever – as only He could. Those ‘God’ moments.  Then I needed it to help keep track of treatments, schedules,A on tryke at hospital 2 taking meds, dressing changes etc. For that reason, some of my hazy memories can be corroborated as genuine and not part of some unforgotten dream along the way.

Important to me because there was a time when I had lost such memories almost completely. As things began to improve and memories started to return, there was always this haunting question, is this a genuine memory or not.  I chuckle as this slogan comes to mind, showing my age.

“Is it real or is it Memorex?”

With all that said, Aaron had several visible physical scars from different surgeries/procedures in battling the cancer as well as loss of sight in one eye.  A conversation is remembered – Aaron didn’t want to hide his physical scars. He had seen them at one time as a badge of courage. A disease attempted to take his life and by God’s grace he survived. Even as the Drs. thought the treatment may well take his life.

How he came to think about them in his adult years, I confess I cannot say. Since I had been not only his mother, but his nurse, care provider, and teacher for most of his young life the relationship lines would get blurred. Understandably so. We struggled to get it figured out in his adult years. Conversations did not come as easily as they once had.

For the Present: This writing was prompted by a song I heard a few months after Aaron left this realm. It was March 16 of this year.  I couldn’t post this writing then. It was still too fresh and painful. The song: Scars. https://youtu.be/It1XzDf-pFo

Today, I KNOW Aaron fully understands this song for as I said there was a time when he did desire for His own scars to be a witness of God in his life – allowing him to survive the cancer, seeing him through the pain and suffering – but life’s shadows distorted his view of God.  And…

As a child he did profess faith in and received salvation from God through Jesus Christ. There was a change of heart and spirit that was genuine and real.  His heart was bent toward the Lord, of that I have no doubt. But after continual disappointments and heartaches the time came when he began to harden that soft heart and turned more inside of himself. Anger toward God took hold to the point he would say he no longer knew what he believed about God.

A baby 1984Did that mean he was no longer saved? No longer a child of God? Emphatically NO! It just shows his humanity. Did his anger toward his father and I at that time mean he was no longer our son? He no longer cared about us, and we no longer cared about him? Of course not. There is no way he could no longer be our son, NO MATTER what he would do or say. He could not be un-born to us. Neither can someone who has turned to the Lord and received the new spiritual birth, adoption into the family of God, be un-born to God. It can’t happen.

And as His dad has come to learn (through messages written from many who had known him) and write about, Aaron did live out the Lord’s principles whether he openly, vocally confessed Him to others or not.

And I believe his scars were a testament after all.

small FB AaronAnd today, he would say:

Waking up to a new sunrise
Looking back from the other side
I can see now with open eyes…

My friend, may you see as well – now, in this life before you face your last moment, your last breath. Victory over death is available because of JESUS’ scars.crown and nails

Lyrics to the song:

Waking up to a new sunrise
Looking back from the other side
I can see now with open eyes

Darkest water and deepest pain
I wouldn’t trade it for anything
Cause my brokenness brought me to You
And these wounds are a story You’ll use

So I’m thankful for the scars
‘Cause without them I wouldn’t know Your heart
And I know they’ll always tell of who You are
So forever I am thankful for the scars

Now I’m standing in confidence
With the strength of Your faithfulness
And I’m not who I was before
No, I don’t have to fear anymore

So I’m thankful for the scars
‘Cause without them I wouldn’t know Your heart
And I know they’ll always tell of who You are
So forever I am thankful for the scars

I can see, I can see
How You delivered me
In Your hands, In Your feet
I found my victory
I can see, I can see
How You delivered me
In Your hands, In Your feet
I found my victory

I’m thankful for Your scars
‘Cause without them I wouldn’t know Your heart
And with my life I’ll tell of who You are
So forever I am thankful

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